​As New Zealand navigates covid again, I am reminded of the fear and uncertainty that this brings many people.  I have come up with some ideas that I hope may help ease a little bit of anxiety that may be coming up.  These may help in small moments as the country awaits to hear what is the next step, or may help in larger chunks during a time of lockdown.

1. What can you take control of - I feel this is a biggy - when we change levels or when we were in Level 4, it can feel like we lose control over various things, where we can go, who we can see etc.  I encourage people to focus on the things we can control, our daily routine, whether we get dressed or not, who we connect with, how much news we watch, our physical space, the housekeeping and whether we decide to do some of these other ideas.
   
2. What makes you feel safe - Before the first lockdown, I filled my car up with petrol, ironic when we couldn’t go anywhere, but it made me feel safe.  Routine can help people feel safe, whether you are able to stick to your normal routine or whether you want to create a specific routine that may incorporate some of these ideas, or takes into account homeschooling with the kids for example.
   
3. Focus on what we have, focus on the good - Brene Brown often talks about a gratitude blast, so whether it is a gratitude blast in the moment, or a regular gratitude practice - finding three things each day that you are grateful for, can help us focus our mind away from covid and towards the more positive things in our life.  Remember - think small!  If you hear of a good news story of something that has happened in your community or anywhere for that matter, is there someone else that would appreciate reading it that you could pass it on to.  It might be just what they are needing right now...
   
4. How can you spread kindness - When we focus on the needs of others, it can help us forget what is going on for us at that time.  Is there someone you know is on their own and you can give them a call, can you help with grocery shopping, can you support a local cafe, what about your regular go-tos, can you write them a review or leave some positive feedback.
   
5. Space - Be aware that this is what you may be needing on your household from time to time, just as others will, how can you create that and communicate that.
   
6. News and social media - Yes we want to keep informed, but it can only add to fears and anxiety if we are constantly looking at numbers/rates/conspiracy theories and whatever else.  What else can you do in this time?  Get lost in a book, declutter a drawer, do some journaling to release some of those fears, in fact any of these other points suggested.
   
7. Fresh air - Moving our body isn’t just for the exercise itself, it can help to shift energy, it can help us to feel grounded, it can connect us back to nature, it can give us a sense of achievement as well.  Not able to then try and get windows open at home to blow some of the cobwebs away...
   
8. Exercise -  As we know one of the most effective anti-depressants around, so what works for you?  Yes if it is outside then you get those benefits from point 3 as well, but since the first lockdown there has been so much more online, and different videos loaded on YouTube etc., so what do you feel you need something high energy and releasing, something to get the heart pumping, or something to relax and ground you like pilates or yoga?
   
9. What are you eating and drinking - Just being really mindful of what you are reaching for?  It can be so easy to repeat old patterns, or eat and drink the things that bring us comfort or help us to avoid what’s going on.  Bring a pause in, and see if you can explore what is really going on at that point.  Is there something else on this list that maybe you could do or try instead?
   
10. Feel the feelings - What you are feeling is real, in these scenarios it is not helpful to compare ourselves to others’ experiences, what you are feeling is real, and is your journey, so acknowledge that and then decide what you need to help yourself through that time.
    
11. Connect - Can you jump on the phone, skype, FaceTime, or other way of connecting with people; this can help remind us that we are not on our own, who are those friends that maybe you lose track of time, maybe you always have a laugh, that good friend that you just haven’t had a chance to catch up with for ages…
    
12. Is there a project you can get stuck in to - whether that be something with the house, photos to sort, a trilogy to read, a creative piece to start or finish, accounts to do (snore), whatever it might be that not only focuses your mind on something else for a while, can give you other warm fuzzies like a sense of achievement, ticking something off, getting organised etc
    
13. Get the cat videos out - what are the things online that make you laugh, do you have a favourite series or comedian that always brings on a chuckle, can be such a source of release and relief
    
14. Take one moment at a time - It can feel hard when we don’t have a timeline, or not sure when it is going to end, so chunking it down, taking one day at a time, setting intentions in the morning for how you want that day to roll out, small step by small step. Remember although we may not know when this will end, do keep in mind that this at some point will pass too.
    

 
“This is me” by Keala Settle

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one'll love you as you are
But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)
I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
This is me
And I know that I deserve your love
(Oh-oh-oh-oh) There's nothing I'm not worthy of
(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out
This is brave, this is bruised
This is who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come (look out 'cause here I come)
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out
I'm gonna send a flood
Gonna drown 'em out
Oh
This is me

​

Please note, if you are reading this and not looking forward to Christmas, you are certainly not on your own on this one.  It can feel like that, it can feel like everyone else has something organised and to look forward to, but I promise you it is not the case…

For the last couple of weeks I have been having conversations with clients around Christmas, whether it be about spending it on their own, or the memories or pain that it brings up for them.  I have also had people message me for ideas around getting through it, so thought I would put some of them down here for you.

1. Some of my clients have decided to plan something in January to look forward to, whether that is a belated trip to relatives, or a road trip of their own, so if someone asks what they are doing for Christmas, they can respond “a quiet one, but I am looking forward to going away in January,” to divert the conversation away from Christmas itself.
2. Another client I know has booked a road trip for herself, not denying that it is Christmas, but to ensure that she is not sitting there thinking of family abroad, but instead connecting with two passions of hers, travel and curiosity.  Just as much fulfilment can be got from exploring our local area, it doesn’t need to be big trips.  What are those places nearby that you keep meaning to check out?
3. When I was on my own for Christmas Day last year, two things made a real difference for me.  Firstly I got some yummy food in, I wasn’t trying to replicate a Christmas meal, just got in some favourites.  Secondly, I went to the warehouse and got in some painting supplies and lost myself for the whole afternoon, painting and creating.  Had a thoroughly enjoyable time.  Is there something creative or something that interests you, that you can do that maybe you haven’t had the time for recently?  Some baking, a jigsaw, movie marathon, something out in the garden.
4. Talking of creative things, I loved the suggestion from Katy, one of our support workers at Taranaki Retreat, who came up with the idea of low-budget presents – printing out photos and popping them in secondhand frames from op shops.  These can either be presents or a project that you can get creative with for yourself!
5. What is on?  There can be community meals or other events going on, either on the day, or leading up to Christmas, where we can connect with others and be part of something.
6. Try and avoid comparing with how Christmas used to be, or how you wish it was and work towards accepting that Christmas is different this year, no right, no wrong, just different, whether that’s how you spend your time, what you do, what you eat.  Maybe it is the year you just have desserts for lunch, that you decide to paint the bathroom, that you finish off a project, start a project, clear out the shed, go for a hike, make it your day.  Let go of what it ‘should’ look like, what society tells us it is meant to be.
7. Another client has been totally committed to the coaching journey we have been on for the last few months, has got his head around Christmas, and is also comforted knowing that so much is changing for him, that this will be the last Christmas he will be struggling with it.  Christmas of 2016, although I was with family back in the UK, I was not in a great place, and I made the promise to myself that Christmas 2017 would be very different.  Christmas 2017 saw me out of debt, on the start of a NZ tiki tour, and in a much different headspace.  What will 2021 and Christmas 2021 look like for you?  Can you start thinking of what can be changed or tweaked to get there?   What would need to happen to make Christmas 2021 different?  What would need to happen to make the year different?
8. Be amongst people.  When I was self-isolating last week, I was allowed to go out for walks, and so I would head out and buy a large take away tea, and sit and people watch, and it felt good to be amongst people rather than sitting on my own.  What could that look like for you, is it a carol concert, a church service, is there something online, some will go to the library and read there to be around people, down to the walkway, the beach.  Yes, you may see others with their friends, but you may be able to feed off that buzz by being out and about, as opposed to tucked away.
9. If you have had an invitation or someone has said about popping round, say yes!  We can actually get caught in a trap of saying no to things and self-fulfilling some of our negative stories, when things could be very different if we said yes, or yes I will pop round for an hour, or I won’t interrupt your main meal, but are you up for a cuppa on Christmas Eve or a walk on Boxing Day or whatever it might be…
10. Can you volunteer?  Maybe it is at one of those Christmas lunches or events, or something else entirely.  It may be a one off request for volunteers that you respond to, or it may be something that you can support ongoing, and who knows where that may take you in 2021!  Don’t forget I had only planned to coach at Taranaki Retreat for three months, that was  nearly 2.5 years ago, and look at what opportunities that has brought me!
11. Who do you know?  Have a think, who else might be in a similar position to you that you can do something with, eat, take a walk, watch a movie, have a swim.  There may well be more people alone this year due to travel restrictions etc, so have a think, reach out.  You may get nos, but the fact that you thought of them and asked will mean the world.  Remember with the online world opening up even more this year, think of others further afield that you could connect with, have a virtual coffee with or even a meal,  a good old chinwag either way!
12. You may feel alone in these upcoming weeks, but there are options, and it may well be, that it is having a chat to someone on the end of a helpline that will help you get through this day.  You do not have to do it on your own.

Please remember, this too will pass.  As I often talk about, in any given moment, we can come from a place of fear or a place of love.  Be gentle on yourself, choose the things that are kindest for yourself right now.

If you have any further thoughts or ideas, please do comment and share them below.

P.S. If you are reading this and have Christmas organised with loved ones, maybe spare a thought for those that don’t.  Is there someone you can reach out to, connect with, or invite.  It may not be on Christmas Day itself, but it may give them something to look forward to, to feel thought of, seen and heard.

 Kindness

My mum used to say “Be kind to others” and as a child I had no idea that kindness will be so important to me one day.
​
Being kind is the hug you give a friend who is going through a difficult time; the message you send to check in on your sister who is sick or the cookie you put on the desk of your colleague who seems to be having bad day.

You don’t even need to know the person to be kind.  A simple act of kindness can be the smile you give a stranger in the supermarket; holding the door open for someone or the “Good morning” to the bus driver.

It doesn’t take much to be kind and you can literally start straight away.  Little and bigger acts of kindness can make such a difference in people’s life.  It makes them feel noticed, cared for and valued.  But it will also make a difference to you.

It will fill you with warmth; joy and will most likely put a smile on your face - because you did something good for someone else.

Kindness is limitless. Kindness is free. Kindness is magic.

​I’ve been contemplating the grey mass of cloud obscuring Taranaki for nearly a week without a sight of the mountain now. I’m surrounded by reminders of its existence, the rich pasture, the rain and the streams, but also a series of more literal symbols. In nearly every room of the retreat where I’m staying, there’s a representation of the mountain somewhere. There are paintings. There are signs with the logo – the shape of the mountain in a circle. Even the bug hotels that the Building Mates team has been constructing have the shape of a tall peak, representing Taranaki. But of the mountain itself there has been no sign.

It’s a shame, because I’ve been lucky enough to have a bedroom which looks directly towards the mountain. But the window of my bedroom is nothing in comparison to the stunning windows of the chapel, a small prefab with hundreds of colourful handprints decorating the outside. One wall, the one facing towards the mountain, is almost entirely glass, three enormous windows which invite you to look outwards and contemplate the breathtaking view. Or contemplate the clouds cloaking that breathtaking view, should Taranaki, at that moment, be lost from sight.

The chapel is a place for contemplation and reflection, along with meetings, yoga, drum practice and whatever else people need the space for. I’ve done Tai chi there every morning, lighting the candles and trying to keep my mind focused on my breath and my body as I move through the form. But my mind has inevitably strayed to the mountain I’ve been unable to see.

It is no accident that the windows of the chapel face Taranaki. The mountain is a powerful symbol, drawing the soul as much as it draws the eye. Even its frequent disappearance behind the cloak of cloud is a source of metaphor. People who come here are struggling. Under the weight of the burdens they carry, it becomes difficult to see what’s important. The clouds – their suffering, their struggle, their pain – have obscured the mountain. But the mountain is still there, and the clouds will eventually pass, revealing Taranaki again. There’s a note to this effect on the wall of the chapel, inviting people to meditate on the mountain and its meaning to them.

But there’s something else I’ve seen in Taranaki, something which becomes clearer the more I study the mountain’s geology and history. What people love so much about the mountain is its stunning shape, the way its slopes gently curve up to the solitary, sharp peak. This shape is portrayed in images of Taranaki across the region and across the world. But, as I’ve realised, that shape is a sign of Taranaki’s inherent instability. It has formed as a result of eruption cycles where the cone is built up and then collapses, then is built up before collapsing again and again. The beautiful, steep slopes have spawned the lahars and landslides that are so destructive and yet have also given Taranaki its beautiful soil.

Taranaki Retreat is much like the mountain. The warmth of its welcome does not come from wealth and ease. It was built by people who know suffering. It is maintained by people who know suffering. It’s brought to life by people who know suffering. Each day, people give their time and energy and love to the Retreat because they remember when they carried what seemed like an unbearable burden. Perhaps, like Taranaki, like me, they did their best to build themselves up, only to find themselves falling apart, again and again. But out of their suffering has come something beautiful and rare. From their experience, they find something to give to others who also suffer. The pain they’ve experienced has become their motivation, their compassion, their empathy. From their darkest times, they’ve created a place that brings people healing and hope.