Twelve ideas to help you feel safe….
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It can be very hard to take on the logical head-based stuff when we are in fight or flight. When we are in that place of fear, that place where survival is the priority (even if it’s a modern-day situation as opposed to an actual life and death situation) our brain isn’t worried about the difference. It is doing its bit to protect us.
Fear is created by our mind to protect us from feeling things in the same way again. To protect us from our pain. To keep us safe. It recognises that we have been through something in the past and wants to ensure we don’t go through it again. It creates a story reel of fears, concerns, beliefs that we often hear chugging away. We want to reassure our mind, that yes, this may be painful, uncomfortable, but we have more awareness now, more understanding, different tools and we  want to work through it.
There is a Buddhist saying that saying “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”  Fear can not be avoided, but when faced, we can learn to navigate our way through it and it can release its hold.

1. Remove the bandage – So often the story reel of thoughts cause feelings that are painful for us, and so we reach for our phone to scroll, pour a drink, smoke, work harder, give too much to too many. We do what we can to numb, avoid or resist what is going on. If we are courageous enough to accept the situation as it is right now and feel what we are feeling, we are often able to navigate through it more compassionately.

2. Be present – When you are in a situation and you can feel the fear rising, ask yourself ‘Am I safe right now?’ We want to help the brain realise that yes the fight and flight has been triggered, but right now in this very situation, we are safe. It may feel incredibly uncomfortable, but we are safe.  Acceptance of where we are at can help bring us back to the present, as opposed to worrying, catastrophising, projecting and more.

3. Release the pain – What ways are you able to release the pain, the stuck energy and emotions that may be inside of you? I often do it through journaling, crying and movement. Other ways can be through exercise, drumming, singing, laughing, breathwork. I highly recommend finding your way to release on a regular basis, as well as the ways that work for you in the moment.

4. Be kind to yourself – How would you talk to a young child that was afraid or anxious? How can you talk to yourself in the same way, give yourself some compassion.

5. Small steps – What are some tiny steps towards your goals that are achievable that can help you feel a sense of accomplishment, get a dopamine hit? These would send messages back to the brain that it’s safe, I am in control.

When we do start moving forward and take responsibility for where we are at, we collect more evidence for our true self, evidence of what we are capable of. This will cause the gremlins to start losing their grip. They will shout louder. They will encourage you back to your shell, encourage you to retreat, withdraw. Know that they are shouting louder because they realise change is happening, and they are more than concerned!

6. Practice gratitude – Thinking of three things you are grateful for every day can help us spot the good stuff, can help our mind to focus on other things around us, rather than focusing on or ruminating on the negative which it is wired to do, again, to keep us safe.

7. Don’t believe everything – It is recommended to be mindful of the news and other influences we are taking on at this time; but also our thoughts!  Being mindful of what they are coming up with, a lot of the time the unhelpful thoughts are beliefs, they are not true. Good to put some distance – between you and them.

8. Self care – That’s right! This one gets a mention at every opportunity!  Absolutely vital one.  Uncertain times require energy, compassion, patience, courage, all much easier to practice when our tanks are full. It’s also another way of our mind being able to see that we can make healthy choices at this time.

9. Morning intentions – Give the mind something to work with – how am I goig to look after myself today?  What can I do to get my goal moving forward a little further?  Who can I connect with today?  How do I want to show up today?  How will I have fun today?  Give your mind the opportunity to roll with some of the good stuff for a change!

10.  Don’t forget to breathe – What breathing pattern works for you?  I find the simple one of box breathing – breathe in for four, hold for four, exhale for four and hold for four – works really well for me.  Find one that works for you and bring that in to the mix even when you are not feeling heightened, so you can start to get use to using it.

11. Finding purpose – What about a random act of kindness for someone? How can we help, do our bit? We can not stay in a place of fear and carry out such an act at the same time. Love wins.

12. Sharing the load – Who can you share this journey with?  It can be easier to navigate a pathway through fear and uncertainty if we are in touch with people who can lift us up, bring that light and reassurance in to the mix. 
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Who could you connect with today, sure share where you are at but also remembering that there are other topics of conversation too, so wholesome when we can get on to some of them!  We are here too!  Contact the Retreat, or a similar organisation about support groups or one-on-one listening ears.  At times when our heart feels heavy and our nerves feel raw, sharing the load can make all the difference.

Yesterday I pushed myself to bike 10 km before turning around to return to the Retreat. Today I set out and as I commenced the undulating road towards the sea end of Hurford Road, my mind reflected on where I have come from and how similar my journey has been to today’s cycling this particular road. For every part of the road I got to cruise easily, I breathed and enjoyed the scenery. I could see the ocean in the distance and animals and landmarks around me.

As quickly as I got to cruising along straights I was met with the challenge of an incline in the road. Like my life, the cruising was quickly ended and the challenge of pushing myself up that hill kicked in. Breathing became laboured, my heart rate increased rapidly, my body hurt and the scenery wasn’t in my radar any longer. What was in front of me, the huge amount of effort and energy it took to keep me on the bike moving forwards was just like my life.

For every uphill battle however, light was on the other side. I pushed through to the top and “Hurray!” … what goes up, must come down!

I felt free and it was so exhilarating as I sped with ease, the wind whipping past my body and bike as I hurtled down the declining road, around a bend, breathing, enjoying the thrill of joyfully excited adrenaline rather than the all too often pulsating adrenaline brought about by constant shocks. All those damn traumatic experiences.

Hmm my life has been too much of a roller coaster ride over the past couple of years. I have lacked in those cruisy, flat places along the road, and struggled with way too many uphill rides. Today, I pushed through though. I stayed on that bike, despite feeling a sore bum. I saw clarity and worked out the math. I didn’t have too much further to get to the main road. I wanted to stay in the saddle and cycle for the entire duration of the Hurford Road…the uphills, the downhills and the flats. I want and need my life after the Retreat to get to that place again.

That balance I have always strived for in my every day….I want it! I need it and I see now that I deserve it!

​14 km yesterday putting a neglected spirit and body on a bike that hasn’t been cared for in a while to 16 km today. Goals, vision, direction, clarity and determination to rise up healthier and stronger and happier. Ahhhh! I’m liking this feeling....

Here are some ideas that I hope may help ease a little bit of anxiety that can come up around covid. These may help in small moments when a level change is announced or may help in larger chunks during a time of lockdown.

What can you take control of – I feel this is a biggy – when we change levels, it can feel like we lose control over various things, where we can go, who we can see etc. It can help to focus on the things we can control, our daily routine, whether we get dressed or not, who we connect with, how much news we watch, our physical space, the housekeeping and whether we decide to do some of these other ideas.

What makes you feel safe – Before the first lockdown, I filled my car up with petrol, ironic when we couldn’t go anywhere, but it made me feel safe. Routine can help us feel safe, whether you are able to stick to your normal routine or whether you want to create a specific routine that may incorporate some of these ideas, or takes into account homeschooling with the kids, work commitments, caring for others for example.

Focus on what we have, focus on the good – Brene Brown often talks about a gratitude blast, so whether it is a gratitude blast in the moment, or a regular gratitude practice – finding three things each day that you are grateful for, can help us focus our mind away from covid and towards the more positive things in our life. Remember – think small! If you hear of a good news story of something that has happened in your community or anywhere for that matter, is there someone else that would appreciate reading it that you could pass it on to. It might be just what they are needing right now…

How can you spread kindness – When we focus on the needs of others, it can help us forget what is going on for us at that time. Is there someone you know is on their own and you can give them a call, can you help with grocery shopping, can you support a local business, what about your regular go-tos, can you write them a review or leave some positive feedback.

Space – Be aware that this is what you may be needing in your household from time to time, just as others will, how can you create that and communicate that.

Connect – Can you jump on the phone, skype, FaceTime, or other way of connecting with people; this can help remind us that we are not on our own, who are those friends that maybe you lose track of time, maybe you always have a laugh, that good friend that you just haven’t had a chance to catch up with for ages…

News and social media – Yes we want to keep informed, but it can only add to fears and anxiety if we are constantly looking. What else can you do in this time? Get lost in a book, declutter a drawer, do some journaling to release some of those fears, in fact any of these other points suggested.

Fresh air – Moving our body isn’t just for the exercise itself, it can help to shift energy, it can help us to feel grounded, it can connect us back to nature, it can give us a sense of achievement as well. Not able to then try and get windows open at home to blow some of the cobwebs away…

Exercise – As we know one of the most effective anti-depressants around, so what works for you? Yes if it is outside then you get those benefits as well, but since the first lockdown there has been so much more online, and different videos loaded on YouTube etc., so what do you feel you need something high energy and releasing, something to get the heart pumping, or something to relax and ground you like pilates or yoga?

What are you eating and drinking – Just being really mindful of what you are reaching for? It can be so easy to repeat old patterns, or eat and drink the things that bring us comfort or help us to avoid what’s going on. Bring a pause in, and see if you can explore what is really going on at that point. Is there something else on this list that maybe you could do or try instead?

Feel the feelings – What you are feeling is real, in these scenarios it is not helpful to compare ourselves to others’ experiences, what you are feeling is real, and is your journey, so acknowledge that and then decide what you need to help yourself through that time.

Is there a project you can get stuck in to – whether that be something with the house, photos to sort, a trilogy to read, a creative piece to start or finish, accounts to do (snore), whatever it might be that not only focuses your mind on something else for a while, can give you other warm fuzzies like a sense of accomplishment, ticking something off, getting organised etc

Get the cat videos out – what are the things online that make you laugh, do you have a favourite series or comedian that always brings on a chuckle, can be such a source of release and relief.

Take one moment at a time – It can feel hard when we don’t have a timeline, or not sure when it is going to end, so chunking it down, taking one day at a time, setting intentions in the morning for how you want that day to roll out, small step by small step.

We are here for you.
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​As New Zealand navigates covid again, I am reminded of the fear and uncertainty that this brings many people.  I have come up with some ideas that I hope may help ease a little bit of anxiety that may be coming up.  These may help in small moments as the country awaits to hear what is the next step, or may help in larger chunks during a time of lockdown.

1. What can you take control of - I feel this is a biggy - when we change levels or when we were in Level 4, it can feel like we lose control over various things, where we can go, who we can see etc.  I encourage people to focus on the things we can control, our daily routine, whether we get dressed or not, who we connect with, how much news we watch, our physical space, the housekeeping and whether we decide to do some of these other ideas.
2. What makes you feel safe - Before the first lockdown, I filled my car up with petrol, ironic when we couldn’t go anywhere, but it made me feel safe.  Routine can help people feel safe, whether you are able to stick to your normal routine or whether you want to create a specific routine that may incorporate some of these ideas, or takes into account homeschooling with the kids for example.
3. Focus on what we have, focus on the good - Brene Brown often talks about a gratitude blast, so whether it is a gratitude blast in the moment, or a regular gratitude practice - finding three things each day that you are grateful for, can help us focus our mind away from covid and towards the more positive things in our life.  Remember - think small!  If you hear of a good news story of something that has happened in your community or anywhere for that matter, is there someone else that would appreciate reading it that you could pass it on to.  It might be just what they are needing right now...
4. How can you spread kindness - When we focus on the needs of others, it can help us forget what is going on for us at that time.  Is there someone you know is on their own and you can give them a call, can you help with grocery shopping, can you support a local cafe, what about your regular go-tos, can you write them a review or leave some positive feedback.
5. Space - Be aware that this is what you may be needing on your household from time to time, just as others will, how can you create that and communicate that.
6. News and social media - Yes we want to keep informed, but it can only add to fears and anxiety if we are constantly looking at numbers/rates/conspiracy theories and whatever else.  What else can you do in this time?  Get lost in a book, declutter a drawer, do some journaling to release some of those fears, in fact any of these other points suggested.
7. Fresh air - Moving our body isn’t just for the exercise itself, it can help to shift energy, it can help us to feel grounded, it can connect us back to nature, it can give us a sense of achievement as well.  Not able to then try and get windows open at home to blow some of the cobwebs away...
8. Exercise -  As we know one of the most effective anti-depressants around, so what works for you?  Yes if it is outside then you get those benefits from point 3 as well, but since the first lockdown there has been so much more online, and different videos loaded on YouTube etc., so what do you feel you need something high energy and releasing, something to get the heart pumping, or something to relax and ground you like pilates or yoga?
9. What are you eating and drinking - Just being really mindful of what you are reaching for?  It can be so easy to repeat old patterns, or eat and drink the things that bring us comfort or help us to avoid what’s going on.  Bring a pause in, and see if you can explore what is really going on at that point.  Is there something else on this list that maybe you could do or try instead?
10. Feel the feelings - What you are feeling is real, in these scenarios it is not helpful to compare ourselves to others’ experiences, what you are feeling is real, and is your journey, so acknowledge that and then decide what you need to help yourself through that time.
11. Connect - Can you jump on the phone, skype, FaceTime, or other way of connecting with people; this can help remind us that we are not on our own, who are those friends that maybe you lose track of time, maybe you always have a laugh, that good friend that you just haven’t had a chance to catch up with for ages…
12. Is there a project you can get stuck in to - whether that be something with the house, photos to sort, a trilogy to read, a creative piece to start or finish, accounts to do (snore), whatever it might be that not only focuses your mind on something else for a while, can give you other warm fuzzies like a sense of achievement, ticking something off, getting organised etc
13. Get the cat videos out - what are the things online that make you laugh, do you have a favourite series or comedian that always brings on a chuckle, can be such a source of release and relief
14. Take one moment at a time - It can feel hard when we don’t have a timeline, or not sure when it is going to end, so chunking it down, taking one day at a time, setting intentions in the morning for how you want that day to roll out, small step by small step. Remember although we may not know when this will end, do keep in mind that this at some point will pass too.

Have you seen the movie “The Greatest Showman?”

Even though I missed the experience watching it in the cinema I feel like I will always remember when and how I watched it. Friends invited me to their lovely home and after cooking together we watched the movie while eating (yes, more food 😊!) Belgian waffles. If you haven’t watched it so far, I would highly recommend to do so. It’s about dreams, friendship, creativity and believing in yourself.

One song really touched me when I properly listened to the lyrics.

It starts off quietly and you cannot only hear but feel the pain and the hurt in the voice. With each verse the song is getting stronger and more powerful. 
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The message is loud and clear – You are worthy, you are brave and there is only one beautiful you. Don’t hide, don’t allow anyone to put you down and don’t let anyone tell you you’re not good enough to be loved. Say strongly and loudly “This is me”!

 
“This is me” by Keala Settle

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one'll love you as you are
But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)
I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
This is me
And I know that I deserve your love
(Oh-oh-oh-oh) There's nothing I'm not worthy of
(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out
This is brave, this is bruised
This is who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come (look out 'cause here I come)
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out
I'm gonna send a flood
Gonna drown 'em out
Oh
This is me

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Please note, if you are reading this and not looking forward to Christmas, you are certainly not on your own on this one.  It can feel like that, it can feel like everyone else has something organised and to look forward to, but I promise you it is not the case…

For the last couple of weeks I have been having conversations with clients around Christmas, whether it be about spending it on their own, or the memories or pain that it brings up for them.  I have also had people message me for ideas around getting through it, so thought I would put some of them down here for you.

1. Some of my clients have decided to plan something in January to look forward to, whether that is a belated trip to relatives, or a road trip of their own, so if someone asks what they are doing for Christmas, they can respond “a quiet one, but I am looking forward to going away in January,” to divert the conversation away from Christmas itself.
2. Another client I know has booked a road trip for herself, not denying that it is Christmas, but to ensure that she is not sitting there thinking of family abroad, but instead connecting with two passions of hers, travel and curiosity.  Just as much fulfilment can be got from exploring our local area, it doesn’t need to be big trips.  What are those places nearby that you keep meaning to check out?
3. When I was on my own for Christmas Day last year, two things made a real difference for me.  Firstly I got some yummy food in, I wasn’t trying to replicate a Christmas meal, just got in some favourites.  Secondly, I went to the warehouse and got in some painting supplies and lost myself for the whole afternoon, painting and creating.  Had a thoroughly enjoyable time.  Is there something creative or something that interests you, that you can do that maybe you haven’t had the time for recently?  Some baking, a jigsaw, movie marathon, something out in the garden.
4. Talking of creative things, I loved the suggestion from Katy, one of our support workers at Taranaki Retreat, who came up with the idea of low-budget presents – printing out photos and popping them in secondhand frames from op shops.  These can either be presents or a project that you can get creative with for yourself!
5. What is on?  There can be community meals or other events going on, either on the day, or leading up to Christmas, where we can connect with others and be part of something.
6. Try and avoid comparing with how Christmas used to be, or how you wish it was and work towards accepting that Christmas is different this year, no right, no wrong, just different, whether that’s how you spend your time, what you do, what you eat.  Maybe it is the year you just have desserts for lunch, that you decide to paint the bathroom, that you finish off a project, start a project, clear out the shed, go for a hike, make it your day.  Let go of what it ‘should’ look like, what society tells us it is meant to be.
7. Another client has been totally committed to the coaching journey we have been on for the last few months, has got his head around Christmas, and is also comforted knowing that so much is changing for him, that this will be the last Christmas he will be struggling with it.  Christmas of 2016, although I was with family back in the UK, I was not in a great place, and I made the promise to myself that Christmas 2017 would be very different.  Christmas 2017 saw me out of debt, on the start of a NZ tiki tour, and in a much different headspace.  What will 2021 and Christmas 2021 look like for you?  Can you start thinking of what can be changed or tweaked to get there?   What would need to happen to make Christmas 2021 different?  What would need to happen to make the year different?
8. Be amongst people.  When I was self-isolating last week, I was allowed to go out for walks, and so I would head out and buy a large take away tea, and sit and people watch, and it felt good to be amongst people rather than sitting on my own.  What could that look like for you, is it a carol concert, a church service, is there something online, some will go to the library and read there to be around people, down to the walkway, the beach.  Yes, you may see others with their friends, but you may be able to feed off that buzz by being out and about, as opposed to tucked away.
9. If you have had an invitation or someone has said about popping round, say yes!  We can actually get caught in a trap of saying no to things and self-fulfilling some of our negative stories, when things could be very different if we said yes, or yes I will pop round for an hour, or I won’t interrupt your main meal, but are you up for a cuppa on Christmas Eve or a walk on Boxing Day or whatever it might be…
10. Can you volunteer?  Maybe it is at one of those Christmas lunches or events, or something else entirely.  It may be a one off request for volunteers that you respond to, or it may be something that you can support ongoing, and who knows where that may take you in 2021!  Don’t forget I had only planned to coach at Taranaki Retreat for three months, that was  nearly 2.5 years ago, and look at what opportunities that has brought me!
11. Who do you know?  Have a think, who else might be in a similar position to you that you can do something with, eat, take a walk, watch a movie, have a swim.  There may well be more people alone this year due to travel restrictions etc, so have a think, reach out.  You may get nos, but the fact that you thought of them and asked will mean the world.  Remember with the online world opening up even more this year, think of others further afield that you could connect with, have a virtual coffee with or even a meal,  a good old chinwag either way!
12. You may feel alone in these upcoming weeks, but there are options, and it may well be, that it is having a chat to someone on the end of a helpline that will help you get through this day.  You do not have to do it on your own.

Please remember, this too will pass.  As I often talk about, in any given moment, we can come from a place of fear or a place of love.  Be gentle on yourself, choose the things that are kindest for yourself right now.

If you have any further thoughts or ideas, please do comment and share them below.

P.S. If you are reading this and have Christmas organised with loved ones, maybe spare a thought for those that don’t.  Is there someone you can reach out to, connect with, or invite.  It may not be on Christmas Day itself, but it may give them something to look forward to, to feel thought of, seen and heard.

Do you know this song?

Music plays an important role in my life and there are so many memories which are attached to various songs. When I listen to one of them it brings up the specific situation or person who is connected with this song. It’s actually incredible what our brain does.

“I am light” will always remind me of the Retreat and Te Rau.

Te Rau was singing this song at the last evening of my stay. It was a night with a starry sky and she started playing the first chords. Her amazing voice was so powerful and her words literally touched my soul. 

Tears were running down my face. It felt like she was talking to me. 
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She reminded me that even though I have felt quite lost and alone for some time me and my light are still there. Maybe it doesn’t shine as bright but it still glows.