“This is me” by Keala Settle

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one'll love you as you are
But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)
I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
This is me
And I know that I deserve your love
(Oh-oh-oh-oh) There's nothing I'm not worthy of
(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out
This is brave, this is bruised
This is who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come (look out 'cause here I come)
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out
I'm gonna send a flood
Gonna drown 'em out
Oh
This is me

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Please note, if you are reading this and not looking forward to Christmas, you are certainly not on your own on this one.  It can feel like that, it can feel like everyone else has something organised and to look forward to, but I promise you it is not the case…

For the last couple of weeks I have been having conversations with clients around Christmas, whether it be about spending it on their own, or the memories or pain that it brings up for them.  I have also had people message me for ideas around getting through it, so thought I would put some of them down here for you.

1. Some of my clients have decided to plan something in January to look forward to, whether that is a belated trip to relatives, or a road trip of their own, so if someone asks what they are doing for Christmas, they can respond “a quiet one, but I am looking forward to going away in January,” to divert the conversation away from Christmas itself.
2. Another client I know has booked a road trip for herself, not denying that it is Christmas, but to ensure that she is not sitting there thinking of family abroad, but instead connecting with two passions of hers, travel and curiosity.  Just as much fulfilment can be got from exploring our local area, it doesn’t need to be big trips.  What are those places nearby that you keep meaning to check out?
3. When I was on my own for Christmas Day last year, two things made a real difference for me.  Firstly I got some yummy food in, I wasn’t trying to replicate a Christmas meal, just got in some favourites.  Secondly, I went to the warehouse and got in some painting supplies and lost myself for the whole afternoon, painting and creating.  Had a thoroughly enjoyable time.  Is there something creative or something that interests you, that you can do that maybe you haven’t had the time for recently?  Some baking, a jigsaw, movie marathon, something out in the garden.
4. Talking of creative things, I loved the suggestion from Katy, one of our support workers at Taranaki Retreat, who came up with the idea of low-budget presents – printing out photos and popping them in secondhand frames from op shops.  These can either be presents or a project that you can get creative with for yourself!
5. What is on?  There can be community meals or other events going on, either on the day, or leading up to Christmas, where we can connect with others and be part of something.
6. Try and avoid comparing with how Christmas used to be, or how you wish it was and work towards accepting that Christmas is different this year, no right, no wrong, just different, whether that’s how you spend your time, what you do, what you eat.  Maybe it is the year you just have desserts for lunch, that you decide to paint the bathroom, that you finish off a project, start a project, clear out the shed, go for a hike, make it your day.  Let go of what it ‘should’ look like, what society tells us it is meant to be.
7. Another client has been totally committed to the coaching journey we have been on for the last few months, has got his head around Christmas, and is also comforted knowing that so much is changing for him, that this will be the last Christmas he will be struggling with it.  Christmas of 2016, although I was with family back in the UK, I was not in a great place, and I made the promise to myself that Christmas 2017 would be very different.  Christmas 2017 saw me out of debt, on the start of a NZ tiki tour, and in a much different headspace.  What will 2021 and Christmas 2021 look like for you?  Can you start thinking of what can be changed or tweaked to get there?   What would need to happen to make Christmas 2021 different?  What would need to happen to make the year different?
8. Be amongst people.  When I was self-isolating last week, I was allowed to go out for walks, and so I would head out and buy a large take away tea, and sit and people watch, and it felt good to be amongst people rather than sitting on my own.  What could that look like for you, is it a carol concert, a church service, is there something online, some will go to the library and read there to be around people, down to the walkway, the beach.  Yes, you may see others with their friends, but you may be able to feed off that buzz by being out and about, as opposed to tucked away.
9. If you have had an invitation or someone has said about popping round, say yes!  We can actually get caught in a trap of saying no to things and self-fulfilling some of our negative stories, when things could be very different if we said yes, or yes I will pop round for an hour, or I won’t interrupt your main meal, but are you up for a cuppa on Christmas Eve or a walk on Boxing Day or whatever it might be…
10. Can you volunteer?  Maybe it is at one of those Christmas lunches or events, or something else entirely.  It may be a one off request for volunteers that you respond to, or it may be something that you can support ongoing, and who knows where that may take you in 2021!  Don’t forget I had only planned to coach at Taranaki Retreat for three months, that was  nearly 2.5 years ago, and look at what opportunities that has brought me!
11. Who do you know?  Have a think, who else might be in a similar position to you that you can do something with, eat, take a walk, watch a movie, have a swim.  There may well be more people alone this year due to travel restrictions etc, so have a think, reach out.  You may get nos, but the fact that you thought of them and asked will mean the world.  Remember with the online world opening up even more this year, think of others further afield that you could connect with, have a virtual coffee with or even a meal,  a good old chinwag either way!
12. You may feel alone in these upcoming weeks, but there are options, and it may well be, that it is having a chat to someone on the end of a helpline that will help you get through this day.  You do not have to do it on your own.

Please remember, this too will pass.  As I often talk about, in any given moment, we can come from a place of fear or a place of love.  Be gentle on yourself, choose the things that are kindest for yourself right now.

If you have any further thoughts or ideas, please do comment and share them below.

P.S. If you are reading this and have Christmas organised with loved ones, maybe spare a thought for those that don’t.  Is there someone you can reach out to, connect with, or invite.  It may not be on Christmas Day itself, but it may give them something to look forward to, to feel thought of, seen and heard.

 Kindness

My mum used to say “Be kind to others” and as a child I had no idea that kindness will be so important to me one day.
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Being kind is the hug you give a friend who is going through a difficult time; the message you send to check in on your sister who is sick or the cookie you put on the desk of your colleague who seems to be having bad day.

You don’t even need to know the person to be kind.  A simple act of kindness can be the smile you give a stranger in the supermarket; holding the door open for someone or the “Good morning” to the bus driver.

It doesn’t take much to be kind and you can literally start straight away.  Little and bigger acts of kindness can make such a difference in people’s life.  It makes them feel noticed, cared for and valued.  But it will also make a difference to you.

It will fill you with warmth; joy and will most likely put a smile on your face - because you did something good for someone else.

Kindness is limitless. Kindness is free. Kindness is magic.

​I’ve been contemplating the grey mass of cloud obscuring Taranaki for nearly a week without a sight of the mountain now. I’m surrounded by reminders of its existence, the rich pasture, the rain and the streams, but also a series of more literal symbols. In nearly every room of the retreat where I’m staying, there’s a representation of the mountain somewhere. There are paintings. There are signs with the logo – the shape of the mountain in a circle. Even the bug hotels that the Building Mates team has been constructing have the shape of a tall peak, representing Taranaki. But of the mountain itself there has been no sign.

It’s a shame, because I’ve been lucky enough to have a bedroom which looks directly towards the mountain. But the window of my bedroom is nothing in comparison to the stunning windows of the chapel, a small prefab with hundreds of colourful handprints decorating the outside. One wall, the one facing towards the mountain, is almost entirely glass, three enormous windows which invite you to look outwards and contemplate the breathtaking view. Or contemplate the clouds cloaking that breathtaking view, should Taranaki, at that moment, be lost from sight.

The chapel is a place for contemplation and reflection, along with meetings, yoga, drum practice and whatever else people need the space for. I’ve done Tai chi there every morning, lighting the candles and trying to keep my mind focused on my breath and my body as I move through the form. But my mind has inevitably strayed to the mountain I’ve been unable to see.

It is no accident that the windows of the chapel face Taranaki. The mountain is a powerful symbol, drawing the soul as much as it draws the eye. Even its frequent disappearance behind the cloak of cloud is a source of metaphor. People who come here are struggling. Under the weight of the burdens they carry, it becomes difficult to see what’s important. The clouds – their suffering, their struggle, their pain – have obscured the mountain. But the mountain is still there, and the clouds will eventually pass, revealing Taranaki again. There’s a note to this effect on the wall of the chapel, inviting people to meditate on the mountain and its meaning to them.

But there’s something else I’ve seen in Taranaki, something which becomes clearer the more I study the mountain’s geology and history. What people love so much about the mountain is its stunning shape, the way its slopes gently curve up to the solitary, sharp peak. This shape is portrayed in images of Taranaki across the region and across the world. But, as I’ve realised, that shape is a sign of Taranaki’s inherent instability. It has formed as a result of eruption cycles where the cone is built up and then collapses, then is built up before collapsing again and again. The beautiful, steep slopes have spawned the lahars and landslides that are so destructive and yet have also given Taranaki its beautiful soil.

Taranaki Retreat is much like the mountain. The warmth of its welcome does not come from wealth and ease. It was built by people who know suffering. It is maintained by people who know suffering. It’s brought to life by people who know suffering. Each day, people give their time and energy and love to the Retreat because they remember when they carried what seemed like an unbearable burden. Perhaps, like Taranaki, like me, they did their best to build themselves up, only to find themselves falling apart, again and again. But out of their suffering has come something beautiful and rare. From their experience, they find something to give to others who also suffer. The pain they’ve experienced has become their motivation, their compassion, their empathy. From their darkest times, they’ve created a place that brings people healing and hope.

Do you ever feel somehow blindfolded in your life and have no idea where to go next?
Why am I here?
What's my purpose?
Is my life meaningful?

Before I went to the Retreat and during the time there, I thought I will leave with a set plan or goal and know exactly where to go next. I got quite worried at the end realising that I still haven't got this plan.  But then someone said "how about focusing on being curious rather than a set plan?"

Changing my focus made me feel so much lighter.

Yes, I do not have my exact plan (yet) but I'm feeling okay about it. It’s almost like being an artist and starting with a blank canvas and enjoying using all sorts of bright colours.

I am the creator of the next chapter of my life.

If you have the chance to go there, please do so. Visiting Back Beach was very special to me and I will never forget how it made me feel.

I do love the beach and immediately agreed when a friend suggested to take me to Back Beach for a little walk.

Just knowing that I will go to the beach filled me with lots of excitement – a feeling I haven’t really felt for a long time. And I was VERY excited. A 35-year old was literally feeling like a little girl before Christmas. But I guess that’s what happens at the Retreat – It brings you back to your inner child who might got a little bit lost on the way of getting older or by experiences in life.

During the drive to the beach we – or I might need to say I – was talking a LOT. Full of excitement, joy and just being happy to see & spend time with my new friend.

After arriving we had an amazing view just standing there on the top of the sand dune overlooking Back Beach. Even though I had the WOW moment and was full of joy seeing the ocean, I wasn’t 100% there. You know I was still talking, concentrating on my story, and having all these thoughts in my head.

I started to walk down the sand dune – still talking. Fortunately, my dear friend said suddenly: “I’m sorry, but...” and I finished her sentence saying “... I should just shut up.”. She laughed (but agreed!) and said: “I just want you to really enjoy the moment when you walk or run down this sand dune.”

I smiled – because I knew she was right.

I concentrated – and this time not on all my thoughts and things which were going on in my head about the past and the future. I concentrated on the now. I felt fully in the present. Me standing on the top of the dune.
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First, I walked slowly but then I started to run. I felt the ground, the light breeze on my face, I could smell the ocean and hear the waves. I felt alive and right there – at Back Beach.